5 things bands shouldn’t say on stage (but always do anyway)

Credit: Flickr/Superlekker
Credit: Flickr/Superlekker

Whether it’s at a festival or a gig, there are just some things that live bands can’t resist saying, even thought they really shouldn’t. Here’s my top 5:

How’s everybody doing tonight?

An innocuous enough way to start the set, maybe, but how can a crowd react appropriately?

We are an amorphous blob that can only respond: “Yeahhhh!” or “Booo!” Answering “Yeahhh!” to the question “How’s everybody doing tonight?” makes us feel like pillocks.

Please opt for “Is everyone having a good time tonight?” instead…

Would you like to hear some new songs?

Unless you are an earth-shatteringly important band that hasn’t released any new material in years (Brand New, say) then the answer to this is always going to be subdued.

And besides, why would you ask us? It’s not as it an apathetic reaction is going to change your setlist. Just get it over and done with so we can get back to the hits!

We’re so f*cking excited to be here, oops shouldn’t swear…

You’re a musician, so unless you’re Cliff Richard, of course you’re going to swear. Apologising only makes it worse when you inevitably forget and swear again.

This song is about the time when…

Unless you’re Paul McCartney, the origins of your songs probably aren’t that interesting. But if you really can’t resist the urge to elaborate, please stick to one sentence.

Case in point: Guy Garvey at OnBlackheath Festival last night: “This is a song about dancing away the blues, because no-one’s ever written about that before…”

We’re online, check us out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder etc.

Of course you are, everyone is. If you’ve made that good an impression we’ll track you down, we have the technology…

Speaking of which, I’m in a band now. Check us out on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.